


is it a misplaced illusion (I wonder?)

by yawawoo



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Vampire, Angst, I Don't Even Know, Inconsistent language style?, Lengthy but Not That Good tbh, M/M, Soulmates
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-31
Updated: 2019-03-31
Packaged: 2019-12-29 21:25:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,535
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18302231
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yawawoo/pseuds/yawawoo
Summary: Hyungwon honestly would like it if Minhyuk just let it all keep going like this—if Minhyuk just let Hyungwon buy him whatever food he wanted, listen to whatever story he had and sit down and not worry about anything else.





	is it a misplaced illusion (I wonder?)

**Author's Note:**

> Unbeta'd halfway through.
> 
> Title is from Monsta X - Myself
> 
> The setting is somewhat similar to the late 1980's settings in the Korean version of 'Life on Mars'
> 
> 04/01/19 - minor edits, updated the beta'ed ver

# I

 

 

Hyungwon’s eyes snap open when a sudden wave of emotions course through his frozen veins.

It is an almost indescribable feeling, its suddenness raising goosebumps across his skin, and it is so powerful that Hyungwon doubles over from his lazy perch on the sofa, grabbing at the center of his chest, clawing at it. It is a feeling most people would call as something that hits home; nostalgic, missed, always unexpectedly welcome, but at the same time almost new since Hyungwon hasn’t felt it again ever since the first time. It is so powerful that his vision whites out, and when it subsides just enough for him to gasp on air that he doesn’t need, he finds himself prostrate on the ground, his nose touching the carpet of his living room.

Once the shock has passed, all Hyungwon could feel is _longing_ ; it is like his whole being is immersed in it—the desire to meet, to touch, to claim what he has lost—what he’s _let_ himself lose.

Lee Minhyuk is back; he is finally near enough for Hyungwon to finally feel the pull of their bond.

Lee Minhyuk is back and Hyungwon lets himself cry.

 

 

**[19xx]**

 

Hyungwon first met a troubled teen Lee Minhyuk under a blinking yellow street light thirty years ago.

Hyungwon was walking down his usual route home, changed out of his hospital coat but still smelling faintly of antiseptic. The occasional summer night breeze allowed him to catch whiffs of the sharp, clean smell from his shirt and hair, along with other distinct smells of the road he was taking in—rust from the old shop signs, spilled alcohol and sauce from the street food stalls, and the putridness of rotting leftovers from the garbage bins. Among them, Hyungwon’s senses could pick up the sweetness of blooming azaleas and the comforting smell of ground coffee from a café two blocks away. It was like any other night Hyungwon had had ever since he relocated back to his hometown in Gwangju, until he picked up the smell of blood.

Hyungwon could recall the way he had almost lost control; that night, it was like his four hundred years living as a vampire and two hundred as a doctor went down the drain the second the smell reached his nose. His nostrils flared and his eyes flashed, showing their original blood-red irises, his head clouding. He got a grip of himself, gaining back control of his tense limbs and rampant, violent thoughts, and when his vision cleared he found himself staring back into two large brown eyes.

Hyungwon had stared back at a seventeen-year-old Minhyuk—who looked every bit like a deer caught in the headlights—with his demonic red eyes and elongated fangs. He had shown his true form, the cursed part of him, to a boy whose corner of the mouth was bleeding and bruised.

They had stared at each other in silence, both tensed up an unsure of what was happening, until a cat knocked over a clay pot from a balcony of an apartment a few hundred meters away. When Minhyuk whipped his head to the source of the noise, Hyungwon had used the chance to calm himself down, but his head was still spinning from the alluring smell of blood coming from the crouched boy under the yellow street light, and Hyungwon couldn’t escape before Minhyuk’s attention was on him again.

Hyungwon noticed a lot of things about Minhyuk on their first meeting that one fateful night.

The first one was that he _wasn’t_ _scared_.

“Wow. I must have hit my head pretty hard,” were the first words he said. Hyungwon then witnessed for the first time, a person blinking unevenly. Hyungwon had stored that information for later and swallowed, because he couldn’t really smell anything else from this boy other than the dizzying scent of his blood.

“Um. Ahjussi?”

That gave Hyungwon something else to focus on. And when he approached and kneeled down beside the hurt boy, Hyungwon noticed another thing. He was _beautiful_.

“Huh. You’re not an ahjussi at all. Are you an actor?”

Hyungwon returned his gaze. “I’m not. I’m a doctor.”

“You are?! But you’re so pretty?”

Hyungwon heard that a lot, but never from men, much less a high school boy, so he wasn’t sure how to respond and only shrugged in reply. He opened his bag for his emergency kit. He could feel the boy’s eyes on him.

“Are you going to save me? But will you charge me later? I spent all my money in the arcade last week. Will you leave me to die if I can’t pay you back?”

And the third thing Hyungwon noticed was how _loud_ Lee Minhyuk was.

“I won't. Please tell me where you are hurt, what you’re feeling right now.” 

“Oh. Well. My right rib really hurts right now, but I don’t think it’s broken? And my head. I hit it pretty hard. I thought I was dying and you were a demon ready to take me to hell or something. I don’t know if it’s bleeding, though. Am I dying, doctor?”

“You sure don’t sound like a dying person. Let me look at your head first.”

On that pleasant summer night, Chae Hyungwon met Lee Minhyuk for the first time, gave the teen a free checkup and patched him up. Hyungwon learned so much about him, perhaps more than he’d like to know about at that time, because aside from his name and the school he went to, Hyungwon also found out about the bruises on his body, old and new, when Minhyuk lifted up his shirt. Hyungwon wanted to ask where Minhyuk got them from, but at that time he thought that he better not get involved with the boy any further. The smell of Minhyuk’s blood still lingered in Hyungwon’s nose even after he swabbed the cut on his lip with alcohol.

There was a voice in Hyungwon’s head telling him to go and forget Minhyuk, to find ways to move to another town as soon as possible, but Minhyuk was blatantly staring at him the whole time Hyungwon worked. There was something in Minhyuk’s eyes—perhaps a bit of wonder, like there were stars reflected off his dark irises. Perhaps also a bit of sadness and loneliness, like he was cherishing how a total stranger like Hyungwon was taking so much care of him, like nobody had ever done it for him before.

And Minhyuk looked dejected as Hyungwon cleaned up and zipped up his bag. His small and raspy ‘thank you’ sounded like a goodbye, defeated, _lonely._ So Hyungwon blurted out, “Let’s get some ice for your head.”

And it did things to Hyungwon, the way Minhyuk perked up, a huge smile blooming on his youthful face. So wide that the cut on his lower lip opened a little, but the boy didn’t flinch in pain. He looked at Hyungwon and asked, “Where?”

Hyungwon stood up and offered Minhyuk a hand. “There’s a deli just down the street.”

Minhyuk took his hand and got up, shouldering a ratty backpack Hyungwon hadn’t noticed before. “Oh! I didn’t know they sell ice. Also, your hand is really cold.”

Hyungwon let go of his hand quickly and turned towards the direction of the deli, walking briskly without a word, ignoring Minhyuk’s ‘wait for me!’ But he quickly slowed down because he couldn’t let an injured person run.

Their walk to the deli was strangely silent. Minhyuk walked just half a step behind him, and Hyungwon noticed he was a tall boy and that he kept looking down. Hyungwon could smell nervousness from him, so he said as they stopped in front of the small shop, “Don’t worry, I’ll pay for it.”

Minhyuk’s head whipped to him, and his eyes closed a little because he must have felt dizzy from that. Hyungwon looked away because the look Minhyuk was giving him was too much—had been too much.

Hyungwon stepped into the brightly lit store, deserted at nine in the evening, Minhyuk right at his heels, and stopped in front of the ice cream freezers. “Pick whatever you like.”

“Huh?”

“Ice cream. Pick whatever you like,” Hyungwon said, sliding open the glass freezer door and digging up a homemade ice pack hidden under grape flavored popsicles.

Minhyuk hesitated, but then he scanned the available options and pointed at something. “Can I get the mango one _and_ the vanilla one?”

“Yes.”

They paid, the ahjumma at the cashier asking why Hyungwon didn’t have a cola to go with the ice he was buying, and Minhyuk piped up, telling her that it wasn’t for them to consume. It was amazing how in less than two minutes Minhyuk had already managed to worm his way into the ahjumma’s heart, who told him that she had a daughter his age and that they should meet some time.

“You’re a popular kid. Why would someone beat you up?” Hyungwon asked as they plopped down the wooden divan placed just outside of the deli. A slumbering cat occupying a corner of the furniture jolted up and ran away when Minhyuk extended a hand to touch it.

“Uh, no comment,” Minhyuk said as he took the ice pack from Hyungwon’s outstretched hand. Minhyuk in turn gave his mango ice cream to Hyungwon.

“I don’t like ice cream,” Hyungwon said.

“I’m not giving it to you… I was hoping you’d open this for me since I can’t do it with just one hand?”

Hyungwon tried not to think about how easy it was to fulfill this strange kid’s requests. Minhyuk smiled a thank you and began licking his ice cream, and Hyungwon forced himself to look away. But then Minhyuk laid back on the divan, turned slightly to the side to accommodate his bump and the ice pack, and Hyungwon had to look at him again.

“Why would you eat while lying down?” Hyungwon asked him, incredulous.

“Aren’t people with concussions supposed to lie down?”

“Yes, but you don’t eat ice cream lying down either.”

“Why not multitask? Life is short and I need to get a lot of things done. Like finishing this ice cream before the other one melts.”

That night, Hyungwon remembered how he had concluded that he was scared of Lee Minhyuk. Scared of his youth, his beauty, the words that come out his mouth in that raspy voice of his. Scared of how a seventeen-year-old boy managed to have Hyungwon wrapped around his fingers in the span of an hour. Scared of the allure of his pulsating veins, his moving chest, up and down. Scared of the looks Minhyuk gave him with those eyes. Scared of all the possible ways Hyungwon could ruin him.

Hyungwon had to, _knew_ that he had to stop whatever it was developing between them that night. Hyungwon tried to convince himself that he could run away from it, and found out that he couldn’t.

 

 

* * *

 

 

A week after their first meeting, Hyungwon smelled Minhyuk’s blood again, and he had to excuse himself from the lunch table he shared with his co-workers, knocking over his own glass of water in his haste, covering his nose and mouth and mumbling apologies.

As soon as he got a hold of himself, he swallowed and followed the source of the smell, walking in brisk paces because no matter how faint, Hyungwon just couldn’t think of a lot of other reasons why he would smell Minhyuk’s blood anywhere near the clinic.

The smell brought him to the lobby, and he could see Lee Minhyuk clad in a shirt and jeans, cradling his arm just outside of the building, drawing weird stares from the nurses on standby at the front desk. The boy seemed to be thinking before finally turning the opposite way, and Hyungwon ran outside.

“Minhyuk!”

The boy flinched and turned to look at him with wide eyes. “Doctor?”

Hyungwon was already trying to look at the arm Minhyuk was favoring. There were three parallel scratches, long and clean of blood but Hyungwon knew he hadn’t disinfected the wound yet. “What happened?”

“Remember the cat in front of the deli? He did this to me when I tried to give him some love. They bled a lot earlier, and they really sting, so I  thought I was going to die from blood loss plus rabies or something because it's from a stray cat, but—”

“Come inside. Let’s talk inside.”

And Hyungwon patched him up again. And again and again, because Hyungwon could smell Minhyuk’s blood even when they were on each opposite sides of the town. Hyungwon found Minhyuk bleeding in front of the deli most of the time, with new scratches he got from the cat he’s started to call Mango even when it was pure black. Minhyuk said it was to commemorate the day Hyungwon brought him ice cream. Hyungwon found Minhyuk there so often during his walk back home that he made sure to always carry around band-aids and gauze pads in his pocket. Soon his patching-up kit for Minhyuk occupied an empty pocket in his bag.

Hyungwon thought when Mango finally let Minhyuk scratch his ears and purred for the boy, the bleeding would stop. But apparently it didn’t, because he picked up Minhyuk’s scent near the clinic again, and Hyungwon found him slumped near the emergency exit at the back of the building.

“Who did this to you? Are they the same people from last time?” Hyungwon demanded, but Minhyuk just dismissed him with a wave of his hand.

“This is youth, doctor. Perhaps you’ve forgotten the thrill because you’re old? Ow, _fuck!_ ”

“You try calling me old and curse where I can hear you again.”

“Fine. I’m sorry. This is nothing though.”

“Yet you keep coming here and forcing me to steal the clinic's supplies,” Hyungwon said, perhaps a little too seriously.

Minhyuk became silent at that. But then he said, in a small voice, “I’m sorry. I just want to see to you.”

And it was Hyungwon’s turn to go silent, frozen. He wanted to say, “Well, I don’t,” because it was what he _should_ say. He should’ve pushed Minhyuk away. But instead he said, “Well, I don’t want to see you only when you’re hurt. And I’d like it if I never see you hurt ever again.”

The image of the beautiful blush that bloomed on Minhyuk’s face at that time was one of the most vivid and beautiful memories Hyungwon had. Hyungwon remembered the small, shy smile that slowly grew into a full one, so wide that Minhyuk’s eyes turned into crescents. Hyungwon also remembered the warmth blooming in his own chest at the sight, and the fear that once again filled a corner of his head.

“Okay. Then can we make ice cream nights a thing? I’ll buy them myself this time.”

And when Hyungwon said, “Okay,” he felt like he just agreed to something he wasn’t supposed to have.

But Minhyuk’s smile shined brighter than the summer sun, and Hyungwon thought that perhaps he wouldn’t mind burning if it was for Minhyuk.

 

 

* * *

 

 

The bleeding didn’t just stop, however.

Hyungwon was out on a stroll after collecting his mail at the post office when Minhyuk suddenly dominated his senses. This time, Hyungwon ran at an inhuman speed to get where he was, because the smell of blood was accompanied with fear—Hyungwon found him curled up under a bridge, coughing up blood, and Hyungwon was filled with rage.

“Lee Minhyuk. Who did this to you,” Hyungwon asked, his voice dripping with rage that contrasted the gentle way he cradled Minhyuk’s face, which was starting to smart around the eyes, blood dripping from his nose and mouth.

“D-Doctor? W-what? How—?”

“Tell me. They couldn’t have gotten very far.”

“No, what are you going to do to them?”

“You’re not telling me? Fine. I will hunt them down myself—”

“Doctor! It hurts!”

Hyungwon released him as if Minhyuk’s skin burned. Minhyuk was staring at him, eyes wide, and Hyungwon balled his hands into fists. He might have let his eyes turn crimson in his anger, but Minhyuk didn’t smell like fear. He never did whenever Hyungwon was with him.

“Sorry, I’m sorry, Minhyuk-ah, I just—”

“Hey. You called me Minhyuk-ah. Does that mean I can call you Hyungwon-hyung?”

“What?”

“Hyungwon-hyung.”

“How did you—”

“Your coat. I saw. Your name is Chae Hyungwon right? So, Hyungwon-hyung. Unless you’re too old for that?”

Hyungwon felt like crying for the first time in centuries. Hyungwon had had many firsts in his long, long life—his first kill, his first family, his first funeral and the thousands that came after. But Lee Minhyuk was the first person to ever make him feel so many things. Things he thought he’d no longer be able to feel after seeing his first love die. After all the people that had left him.

Minhyuk took a lot of his firsts already in the past months that they’d known each other, but he wasn’t the first person, although the first boy, that he carried in his arms. Minhyuk flailed, screaming, “What the fuck! Hyung, put me down!”

“Curse again and I’ll drop you into the river.”

“Sorry… but please, just carry me on your back?”

And of course Hyungwon listened. He patched Minhyuk up in his house this time, locking all the other rooms except for the bathroom to keep Minhyuk from nosing around. He let Minhyuk gawk at the sparseness of it. He let Minhyuk rest on his mattress, he took care of Minhyuk until he had to go home and made sure he arrived home safely.

Hyungwon listened from a roof across Minhyuk’s house how his uncle asked him about where he had been, but not about his black eye. Minhyuk had promised Hyungwon that his uncle never hurt him, he just didn’t care as long as Minhyuk showed his face after school and was home before the man had to go to work in the evening. Hyungwon stayed to observe, to carve the face of the man into his head, his scent, so that Hyungwon could hunt him down when time called for it.

Hyungwon made sure Minhyuk was at least safe in his home. But Hyungwon wasn’t done until he knew who were putting the bruises on the boy’s body.

So Hyungwon took a day off from the clinic and followed Minhyuk all day, watching him from the shades of an abandoned building near the boy’s school building, smiling fondly as Minhyuk dozed off in his classes and made adorable little pouts when he couldn’t keep up with what the teacher was saying.

By the first break, Hyungwon noticed that Minhyuk didn’t actually have that many friends. He didn’t know what was wrong—nobody really gossiped about Minhyuk, not even the girls who Hyungwon thought would be surrounding Minhyuk at any given chance. Most of Minhyuk’s classmates just didn’t acknowledge him.

The most words Minhyuk exchanged was with a shorter boy named Yoo Kihyun, and Hyungwon could pick up that he was the class president. They talked about a harmless enough topic—Minhyuk’s cleaning duty day, switched to today because a girl needed to go home sooner to babysit her baby brother. Minhyuk called the boy “Kihyun-ah” and the sentiment was returned, although Hyungwon could sense that this Kihyun kid was a little distant at times.

Minhyuk never really left his classroom except for the two times he went to the snack bar during breaks to buy a carton of vanilla milk to go with his modest lunch box. Those were the only times he was out of Hyungwon’s sight, and the boy didn’t seem to run into any problems. He stayed in his seat in the classroom and took naps with his head pillowed on his ratty backpack and folded arms until the next sessions start. Hyungwon suspected that he was avoiding running into his bullies. Or maybe he was just really sleepy, and Hyungwon wondered what kept the boy up at night.

The bell rang at 4 PM and Minhyuk got out late because he had cleaning duty. His friends, again, communicated minimally with him. Hyungwon’s heart ached. He’d lost count of how many times he had wanted to drag Minhyuk out of there and brought him to the deli to sit down and talk, because apparently those hormone-filled teenagers were dumb enough to not see how wonderful of a person Minhyuk was.

Minhyuk was the last person to leave the classroom, although he wasn’t the last student to leave the school grounds. Minhyuk’s high school was a public one; people would sometimes whisper about delinquents, but it was not the worst in town. There were boys and girls smoking just outside the school walls, and the narrow alley where they were gathered was where Minhyuk was heading.

Hyungwon was ready to leave his vantage point and get down there if the group tried anything, but they barely spared Minhyuk a glance and continued to shit-talk about some annoying teacher. Minhyuk adjusted the strap of his backpack and stuffed his hand into his uniform pockets.

Minhyuk’s walk home was quite a distance, but so far it was quite peaceful and uneventful. He hummed to himself and stalled to pet stray cats, and Hyungwon noticed how he seemed to give up quickly when they hissed hostilely. Hyungwon liked to think that Minhyuk was doing it for him.

Minhyuk greeted old people and it looked like a routine. An old lady who was watering her plants actually waved Minhyuk over and gave him a container full of kimchi. The questions Hyungwon had about Minhyuk’s life were slowly being answered one by one as time passed, and Hyungwon wondered if the day would end up peacefully anyway and that he might need to find a way to get a day off the next day too.

Minhyuk was only a block away from the crossroad that connected the road to his school, the clinic, the deli, and Minhyuk’s house when it happened. Hyungwon heard the scruff of three pairs of feet dragging on the asphalt, and picked up the smell of cigarette smoke and cheap cologne. Hyungwon witnessed how a boy much taller than Minhyuk put an arm around his shoulders and dragged him into a dark, dark alley, and Hyungwon’s whole being tensed up and he felt like he was ready to kill when mean words reached his ears.

“Hey! What the hell are you guys doing?” Hyungwon shouted from the mouth of the alleyway, a dark corner of a dead end, his face obscured from the backlight. There was barely any light filtering in, and the only source of light was from a lighter one of the boys was holding too close to Minhyuk’s face. He knew Minhyuk recognized his voice, but the boy didn’t say anything.

“The fuck? How is this your business, you piece of shit old man?” the one with the lighter said, fearless, but Hyungwon would make sure he’d no longer be so tough soon.

“Get out of there. Stop doing things you’re not supposed to do,” Hyungwon said, gritting his teeth and trying to control his incisors from showing.

The boy with the lighter barked a laugh, pocketed his lighter and walked to approach Hyungwon. He picked up speed and swung at Hyungwon, but before he could even draw in a proper breath, Hyungwon had already had a hand around his throat, pushing him to a wall, trapping him in a shadow.

“If you and your friends ever come near that boy again, I swear I’ll rip your throats apart,” Hyungwon whispered, boring a crimson stare into the boy’s shaking pupils. As soon as Hyungwon released the grip he had on the boy’s sweaty neck, he ran away tripping on his own legs.

Hyungwon shifted, and the two other boys ran past him without a word. The fear radiating from them was enough to convince Hyungwon that they’d leave Minhyuk alone for good.

“Minhyuk-ah, let’s go. I heard the new peach flavor of that ice cream you like just came in.”

“I have _sooo_ many questions?”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. But I don’t know where to start.”

“Then don’t. Let’s just sit down and let me pet the cat.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

When Minhyuk’s summer break came around, Hyungwon was already starting to accept the fact that the boy would be a permanent fixture in his life, a vivid and pleasant memory he could store atop others and revisit for the next eternity, next to the list of people he cherished. It wasn’t a long list, but Minhyuk with his silly jokes and boyish smiles easily wormed his way into it. It shouldn’t have been that easy—Hyungwon had gotten a lot better in trying to stop becoming too attached to people whose lifespans guaranteed heartbreaks for him, but Hyungwon was powerless when it came to Minhyuk.

Minhyuk met him in a street food stall for dinner this time; their ice cream nights had evolved into occasional dinners together at different venues all over town. Minhyuk’s uncle got him a second-hand bicycle out of nowhere, and that improved the boy’s mobility a lot. That night they found themselves face to face in front of a small round table of one of the many stalls, choosing to sit there because everywhere else was full with couples out on a Saturday night date. Hyungwon sat there watching Minhyuk chow down barbecued beef and rice, trying to stop funny thoughts from appearing in his head.

“I don’t understand. Have you always eaten so little? Even when you were younger? I’ve been eating one and three quarters portion of food every time we eat out but how come I’m still shorter than you?” Minhyuk asked after swallowing his food with a big gulp of cola, the can now dangling daintily from his fingers.

Hyungwon sipped on his water, trying to wash away the weird taste in his mouth that always lingered after he consumed human food. “Sometimes life is just not fair, young one.”

“Hah! Watch me have a growth spurt once I’m 20. You’ll have a crick on your neck whenever you talk to me.”

Hyungwon laughed, and it was so easy with Minhyuk. It was so easy to actually enjoy his time by minutes and hours instead of associating periods of his life with historical events or the names of dead people. The fact that one day Minhyuk, too, would leave him and he’d have to live only with the memories of their shenanigans was becoming a recurring thought to Hyungwon, and his laugh trailed off into a sigh.

“What’s wrong?” Minhyuk asked, giving him that look again, one that Hyungwon still avoided thinking about and defining, one that was just a little too interested, a little too intense.

“Nothing.”

And what made it so easy to have Minhyuk in his life was how the boy never really forced Hyungwon to answer his questions. Hyungwon knew better than anyone else that he still owed Minhyuk a lot of answers _(“How did you always find me? How do you always know where to find me?”; “Why are you doing all these things for me? How am I going to be able to ever pay you back?”_ )—and a lot more honest ones that Hyungwon was just afraid to give to him, afraid of starting something that could only end in regrets ( _“Are we friends, hyung? Sometimes it feels like we aren’t. Sometimes it feels like something more but I don’t know what it is.”_ )

Hyungwon liked to think that they were friends and stop there, because what was he going to do with a starry-eyed, seventeen-year-old boy who probably just misunderstood his own feelings? But perhaps Hyungwon was also part to blame for giving Minhyuk reasons to question their relationship. Hyungwon just wanted to take care of him, never see him sad or hurt again, because Hyungwon could only handle so much exposure to Minhyuk’s blood and suffering. Hyungwon had wanted Minhyuk to remind him of his own younger brother, but when Minhyuk was breathing and talking in front of him like this, all Hyungwon could see was the cheerful Lee Minhyuk and not his brother who died because of the plague.

Minhyuk never brought it up again after Hyungwon told him, “I’m your hyung. That’s why I buy you food, that’s why I take care of you.”

And what made it easy was also how readily Minhyuk took it at first. Just following Hyungwon around like a lost child in need of an adult to help him grow up. Hyungwon honestly would like it if Minhyuk just let it all keep going like this—if Minhyuk just let Hyungwon buy him whatever food he want, listen to whatever story he had and sit down and not worry about anything else.

Recently, though, Minhyuk got a part time job at the very deli they had frequented for the last two months, and he’d started to insist that he paid half of the food they ordered. Hyungwon wanted to tell him to not worry about it, but he’d rather not get into another endless argument with the boy, so Hyungwon just secretly stashed Minhyuk’s money in a drawer in his room and wait until Christmas to return it. Or maybe Hyungwon could buy a new winter coat for Minhyuk with it—that way Minhyuk would be wearing something out of his own savings. That way Minhyuk could wear something warm and Hyungwon wouldn’t have to worry about the boy wearing something from him. That way Hyungwon wouldn’t have a reason to feel possessive.

They were walking along the crowded walkway of downtown, Minhyuk pushing his bike along, Hyungwon’s hands in the pockets of his khakis. Minhyuk kept burping and saying that he was so full, and the slightly protruding belly under his t-shirt was actually really cute. It wasn’t even visible if Minhyuk didn’t push his hips forward and stretched the fabric over it. But it made Hyungwon laugh until he had tears in his eyes, so Minhyuk exploited that the best he could.

Hyungwon remembered the way the streetlights and the car lights and the tacky red, blue, yellow lights of stores danced on Minhyuk’s face when he said, “My break is going to be sooo boring.”

By now, Hyungwon knew the certain way of speaking Minhyuk used when he was fishing for something. Hyungwon usually just laughed in response, but he felt like his heart was so full at that time, so he deliberately took the bait and asked, “Why? Because you’re a slave to capitalism now?”

“Yes, and because I have no one to go to the sea with!”

“You want to go to the sea?”

“Yeah. Will you take me there, hyung?”

Hyungwon thought of what a pain it would be for him to try to convince Minhyuk that Hyungwon was allergic to other types of suns aside from Minhyuk himself. But then Hyungwon thought about how the wind would blow hard and mess up Minhyuk’s hair as the boy played chase with the waves and thought that it would be worth it.

So Hyungwon told him to pack for a one-night beach trip and meet him in front of the deli on the day where Minhyuk had a break from his shifts two days in a row. He tried to bury the warmth from Minhyuk's body when the boy hugged him sideways in the deepest part of his head.

 

* * *

 

 

Hyungwon was just loading the backseat of the sedan he rented with huge bottles of water and every snack available in the store’s shelves when Minhyuk turned up with a ridiculous sun visor, and Hyungwon thought he should be the one wearing it instead because Minhyuk’s smile was positively blinding him.

Minhyuk pushed the visor to his head and gave Hyungwon a wide-eyed look. “Why are you dressed like it’s not fifty degrees Celsius right now?!”

Hyungwon had expected the question of course. “I have sensitive skin. And it couldn’t possibly be fifty.”

Minhyuk turned thoughtful as he approached. Hyungwon leaned his body on the hood of the car, folding his arms in and hiding the exposed back of his hands. He had expertly parked the car in a way that his side was in the shade created by the convenience store building. He watched Minhyuk throw his bulging ratty backpack on top of the water bottles in the back seat, then the boy mimicked his position. “Why didn’t I know this?”

“There’s still a lot more things you don’t know about me,” _and things that I don’t want you to know_.

Minhyuk frowned, his lower lip slightly jutting out, and Hyungwon didn’t know what else to think but _adorable_. “Is it bad? Should we just cancel? If I knew, I wouldn’t have asked you.”

Hyungwon straightened because Minhyuk seemed genuinely upset. He was already scrambling for words because that wasn’t what Hyungwon wanted. He thought Minhyuk would laugh along and threw back something witty. “Hey. Minhyuk-ah. I never told you because it’s not serious, alright? We’ll rent one of those beach umbrellas and I’ll be fine lazing around under it,” Hyungwon said, trying to get the boy whose head was down to look at him.

“Promise?”

“Promise,” Hyungwon replied without missing a beat.

“Okay. Now I know why we only ever have date nights even during weekends.”

Hyungwon choked. “D-date nights?”

“What? Nowadays friends go out on dates, too. Sometimes I forget you’re old.”

“You know what, you can drive this car yourself.”

“Hyung, I’m kidding!”

 

* * *

 

If Hyungwon was asked to pick his favorite memories of Lee Minhyuk, one that he would pick was their overnight trip to the beach. It was, however, also one of his biggest regrets for not making it a longer one, because the more time he spent with the boy, the more he realized how it was never going to be enough.

Hyungwon regretted a lot of things—he regretted not trying his best to kidnap Minhyuk for a week, perhaps even for a trip to Jeju. He regretted not agreeing to Minhyuk’s pleas of following him to this supposed hidden coral cave where Hyungwon could sit and dip his leg in the water. He regretted not putting up enough fight about food—Hyungwon had wanted to treat Minhyuk to the best seafood restaurant in the area, but the boy declined, saying that he really couldn’t leech off more off Hyungwon when the man already paid for everything else.

Hyungwon regretted a lot of things, but he also was thankful. Thankful that he had been able to see Minhyuk confidently tossing aside his shirt and running into the shallow waters without having to worry about hiding glaring bruises across his chest. Thankful that he had been able to see Minhyuk being the seventeen-year-old that he was, playing with kids in bright yellow floaties and building sandcastles with them. Thankful to know that Lee Minhyuk was having fun, safe, and happy, and if Hyungwon had allowed himself to be a little greedy, he’d say it had been all because of him.

If Hyungwon was still breathing, he’d have exhaled a relieved sigh as the sun began to set. Minhyuk was changed and all cleaned up from saltwater and grains of sand, but the smile was still on his face as he and Hyungwon sat on the stone wall lining the beach. Hyungwon wondered how Minhyuk could smile so much in a day, still bright as day under the orange light of dusk.

They weren’t doing anything but look out onto the sea, no words exchanged, just the two of them sitting side by side, and Hyungwon didn’t know what to feel when Minhyuk inched closer to him when a chilly gust of wind passed. Hyungwon wondered if the shortening distance with them mattered when he couldn’t provide the warmth Minhyuk was seeking. Wondered if perhaps there was another meaning behind it. If perhaps Minhyuk just wanted to be closer to him.

Quiet times with Lee Minhyuk had always been bittersweet; it had let Hyungwon to savor the moment, but it also left him prey to his dark thoughts.

When night had completely settled and so had Minhyuk, on his bed in their hotel room, starfished on top of the covers, Hyungwon thought about leaving him and coming back when the sun rose, not trusting himself to be close to a sleeping Minhyuk in close quarters all night long.

But when Hyungwon exited the bathroom where he’d been staring at and debating with himself, he saw Minhyuk already deeply asleep without properly getting under the covers. One look at Minhyuk’s sleep-soft face shattered Hyungwon’s resolution—so he tucked Minhyuk in, guiltily brushing his long bangs back because Minhyuk looked so peaceful and beautiful and Hyungwon couldn’t resist.

Hyungwon couldn’t resist sitting beside the sleeping boy, propped up on the headboard and listening to him breathe.

The hardest part had been watching Minhyuk stir in the morning sunlight that poured into their hotel room. Watching him wake up and knew that they had to go home soon.

 

* * *

 

Minhyuk had gone back to school since late August, and by the first week of September, Hyungwon realized that it was perhaps already too late for whatever it was he planned for—for them. To just label Minhyuk as a tiny blot of unique experience in this eternity Hyungwon was living in. Hyungwon watched, and felt silly for feeling like the fallen leaves outside of the café were making fun of his crumbling self-restraint when it came to Minhyuk.

Across from him, Minhyuk was hastily taking a sip of his cup of latte, burning his tongue and giving himself a foamy moustache atop the curves of his upper lip. Hyungwon turned to look at him just in time to see Minhyuk licking it off, and if Hyungwon’s self-restraint was a tree in fall, it was as if someone shook it hard enough that there were barely any leaves left.

“This is quite a fancy place,” Minhyuk said, the first one to break the comfortable silence that settled over them after they placed their order. Hyungwon hadn’t missed the confused little crunch between Minhyuk’s eyebrows when he only ordered a glass of warm water.

“I thought you’d have come in here before? I thought it’s a hangout hot spot,” Hyungwon asked, remembering to take a sip of his own drink.

“Well, it’d be weird to go alone. I’m too young to be sitting on the stools beside old men looking to get drunk at five in the afternoon.”

Right, Minhyuk didn’t really have friends, but “What about Yoo Kihyun?”

Minhyuk was silent, looking at Hyungwon like the man had grown a second head. “…what about him?” Minhyuk said, uncertain, confused, an edge to his voice.

 _Fuck._ Just then it came to Hyungwon that the boy had never told him about his classmate. “Uh—you mentioned him? During that time? At the beach?”

Minhyuk’s shoulders remained a little tense as he tried to remember when that was—which was _never_ , and Hyungwon was glad he didn’t sweat anymore. “When? I don’t remember ever mentioning him.”

Hyungwon had to play it cool. “You did. But you were half asleep—during the ride to the beach. You told me. How else would I have known about him if you didn’t tell me?”

Minhyuk looked down to his drink, thumb running back and forth on the curved handle of plain white cup. “I guess.”

Hyungwon fucked up big time. Bringing Minhyuk to his favorite café, where the corner table and velvety booths on each side were the farthest from the jukebox, creating a comfortable lull around them, was a bad idea. Hyungwon was too relaxed here, with half of his guard down around Minhyuk, and his tongue ran loose without much thought.

Minhyuk wasn’t smiling, and Hyungwon’s chest hurt like never before. And no experience from the past centuries were able to prepare Hyungwon for this, and so he struggled to fix it.

“I can’t ask Kihyunnie,” Minhyuk said finally, and Hyungwon closed his halfway-open mouth. “He was already kind enough to still talk to me when nobody else does.”

“Why?”

Minhyuk had looked up then, and Hyungwon could see the pain in the boy’s eyes, and it trapped the words Hyungwon had lined up to say in his mouth. Minhyuk then took a deep breath and exhaled it long and deep, reclining on the red velvet covering of the booth. “My family had always been… an outcast, you know? My mom came back here after my dad died in Seoul. Nobody really knew that she’d gotten married, and when she came back pregnant with me, people just assumed. They never bothered to listen to the real story.”

Hyungwon didn’t say anything—didn’t move, Minhyuk’s sad side profile burned into the back of his eyelids.

“So yeah. She came back here from Seoul and lived with her brother, my uncle—he wasn’t an exemplary resident either. He used to gamble a lot and live without care until my mom came back and smacked some sense into him. I know all this from the journals she left me.

I was ten. My mom was just coming back from work when her bus crashed. Faulty brakes, and she had been standing in the aisle at the front. The bus was packed. She’d died on the spot. Ever since then my uncle never looked at my face for longer than five seconds because I look a lot like her. And yeah, that was when life started to get really lonely. Kihyunnie was my neighbor, we were close, almost best friends, but his parents just stopped allowing him to play with me once it was just me and my uncle.”

Hyungwon could feel his face morphing into a painful, pinched expression. Hyungwon had half a mind that he probably shouldn’t, but only staying silent with a look he hoped wasn’t too pitying was just too cruel—because at that time Minhyuk looked so _young_ and lost and Hyungwon’s chest _ached_. When he slid his hands across the wooden tabletop to grasp Minhyuk’s in his, Hyungwon was well aware how there was barely any warmth clinging to his skin from his lukewarm water. But the smile he got in return reassured Hyungwon that he’d done the right thing.

Maybe Hyungwon no longer radiated warmth on the outside, but comfortable embers sparked and spread in his chest when Minhyuk said, “Life’s been great with you here, though.”

Hyungwon thought it really wouldn’t take much for the sparks to become a wildfire he’d willingly embrace and let reside in his heart for the rest of his own existence.

 

* * *

 

The month progressed and Chuseok was spent sitting in Hyungwon’s living room and watching TV, an autumn feast of _jeon_ and steamed sweet potatoes and side dishes that Minhyuk got from the deli ahjumma spread out on the low table separating them. It was the most Hyungwon had eaten in front of Minhyuk, and that put a full, content smile on the teen’s face.

Hyungwon walked Minhyuk home under the clear autumn sky, letting Minhyuk huddle close to him. It was hard to focus on breathing like a normal person when Minhyuk was chattering away, a skip in his steps and in high spirits. Minhyuk never hid how happy he was whenever he got to spend time at Hyungwon’s, no matter how boring the older man thought their time had been.

“Hyung, when’s your birthday?” Minhyuk suddenly asked, and Hyungwon hummed to stall.

“Why do you ask?”

“I’m curious!”

“January fifteenth. What about you?”

“Oh! How old are you?”

“No comment. And I asked yours.”

“November third! And no comment on my age either.”

“You’re a second-year high school student. You’re probably seventeen or eighteen.”

“You’re probably thirty almost forty!”

 _Yeah, I wish I was._ “It’s really up to you.”

“Geez! Why so mysterious!”

“It’s the only thing that makes me interesting, isn’t it?”

When Minhyuk laughed and bumped his shoulder to his, Hyungwon laughed with him, watching the white mist mingling between their faces.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Hyungwon spent that year’s October trying to figure out how far he should—or shouldn’t—take this thing he let bud and grow between him and Minhyuk. He thought about how many years he had left before he had to eventually move away. About how much time he had left until Minhyuk lost his patience from never getting real answers from him. How much time left until Minhyuk realized that Hyungwon wasn’t growing old with him?

The answer was crystal clear: Hyungwon shouldn’t take this anywhere. Hyungwon should start planning on how to slowly fade away from Minhyuk’s life and leave him. Hyungwon should stop before he gave in to the urge to lean down and kiss Minhyuk and tell him that life had been great with him around, too, and how Hyungwon wished he could look forward to a life with an end. A life with an end, but one that would be filled entirely by Minhyuk.

 

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I'm tired of agonizing over this (currently) 8k+ words thing. Might as well just split it in half and find the motivation to finish the second half along the way.
> 
> My headcanon of vampire characteristics is a mess of everything ever written: sunlight is uncomfortable but not deadly, and everything else you'll see here. I reference too many sources that I don't even know anymore. The whole thing with the soulmates and soul link thing is something I'm still trying to figure out still :P
> 
> This is probably my biggest MX project yet. I really wanna finish this baby.
> 
>  
> 
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/hyunghyukheon) | [curious 😻](https://curiouscat.me/hyunghyukheon)


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